Love First Ponz
by TwistedKat
Summary: Raphael wants Nightmare ... and he's an idiot. Need I say more? This is what happens when two people play soulcalibur for far too long
1. Chapter 1

_A/N – I decided to start this story up again. Can't remember if I had actually ever posted this one here before – but meh. Maybe you'll find it as funny as I do Oo doubtful lol_

**Raphael:** The German boy must return to me!  
**Ivy:** _not looking up from an article she's been attempting to read_ Do you even know what his name is love?  
**Raphael:** Erm… Never mind that!  
**Ivy:**_ rolls eyes_  
**Raphael:** Don't give me that look! All that matters is that I free him from that beast and make him mine.  
**Ivy:** By that beast, do you mean himself?  
**Raphael:** Of course! _pauses_ wait, what?  
**Ivy:** Well, SIEGFRIED is inside the armour – his own armour- he took the sword without caring AND still didn't release it when his arm mutated.  
**Raphael:** And? _wonders who Siegfried is_  
**Ivy:** _sighs _Therefore he IS the beast and doesn't want to be saved  
**Ivy:** _mutters_ at least not by a ponz anyway  
**Raphael:** I heard that, on-guard!!  
**Ivy:** Oh for F…  
**Raphael:** _slaps a hand over her mouth _Quiet!! I hear my love… he is close!  
**Nightmare:** Maybe I can sneak past without him noticing. Dammit why do I have to go this way?  
**Raphael:** Oh my poor heart pounds to the sound of his dulcet tones. My soul is a-fire when I hear that rich voice singing his melodious words of wisdom.  
**Nightmare:** Oh for fuck sake where's that fucking map?! _continuously curses under breath while kicking some peasant for getting in his way_  
**Raphael: **Ahem… I would like to retract my previous statement  
**Ivy:** _eye's wide_ really?  
**Raphael:** Of course! Such foul language and… well… disgraceful behaviour _raises eyebrow_ my German boy would never act like that!  
**Ivy: **Siegfried  
**Raphael:** Whatever… Point is, his actions are obviously the monsters doing!  
**Ivy:** And the monster is also blinding him from his love for you?  
**Raphael:** Of course it is!  
**Ivy:** Uh huh… I'm gonna go now…  
**Raphael: **wait! You must lure my love here, and then I shall smite the beast that contains him!  
**Ivy:** Right… I definitely don't wanna be around to clean up that mess  
**Raphael:** Hahaha! Yes, it will be quite a mess when I'm done with him!  
**Ivy:** Actually I was thinking of when he's done with you. You're gonna get pwned.  
**Raphael:** Shut up

**Meanwhile**

**Nightmare:** _shivers_ something terrible has just happened… Oh God no! He knows I'm here!!  
**Nightmare:** _kicks peasant once more and runs like the wind_

**In the Mansion**

**Raphael:** Ivy!! Do something!!  
**Ivy:** Don't worry, I got someone on it  
**Raphael:** _arms crossed_ oh do you now?  
**Ivy:** Yep _continues to read the same article she's been trying to read for the past hour_  
**Raphael_:_**_ quirks eyebrow_ and who would that be, pray?  
**Ivy:** Oh you'll see _chuckles and is happy with the dumb-struck look on the ponz' face_

**Over the Hill and Far Far Away**

**Nightmare:** _stops running and takes deep breath_  
**Nightmare:** _peeps over shoulder to find no one following him_ Oh thank God.  
**Nightmare:** _turns back to find Cervantes staring at him and jumps_ Ah!! Pirate ghost, Pirate ghost!!  
**Cervantes:** _rolls eyes_ Shut up ye edjit. I'm ere ta help ye.  
**Nightmare:** Oh are you really now?  
**Cervantes:** Aye, I ear yer havin' some trouble with a certain yella haired fella  
**Nightmare:** And where did ye – I mean you – hear that?  
**Cervantes:** From me daughter of course, where else?  
**Nightmare:** Whatever. How exactly do you plan to help?  
**Cervantes:** Well, the guy wants te free ya from yer demon, aye?  
**Nightmare:** Aye – I mean yes! **to self** damn pirates and their bloody addictive language  
**Cervantes:** Then why don't ye pretend to be vanquished an' act like he's freed ye?  
**Nightmare:** … I don't think your daughter's told you everything  
**Cervantes: **Oh she 'as. Twas funny as hell I tell ya laughs  
**Nightmare:** Argh, fine! We'll try your plan. But if this doesn't work I'll shove this sword right up your Irish fuckin' arse

**Back at the Mansion**

**Raphael: **Muahahahaha! My plan has been set into motion!  
**Ivy:** Ahem, YOUR plan?  
**Raphael:** Shut up

**_What will happen when Nightmare is brought face to face with the love crazed man?  
Is he being lead into a trap?  
Or is Raphael really just a deranged fool?_**

**Raphael: **Oi!  
**Me:** Shut up! You're spoiling the dramatic mood!! … How ironic Oo  
**Raphael:** _glares_

_**Find out next week on – Loves First Ponz!**_

**Raphael: **I should smite you for that title  
**Nightmare: **Really? I think it's perfect  
**Ivy & Cervantes:** Agreed!  
**Raphael:** Oh just you wait…  
**Me:** Guys… the episode is done. You can go fight elsewhere, or so help me I'll –

_beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep_


	2. Chapter 2

_Previously –_

_Nightmare: shivers something terrible has just happened… Oh God no! He knows I'm here!!  
Nightmare: kicks peasant once more and runs like the wind_

_Raphael: Ivy!! Do something!!  
Ivy: Don't worry, I got someone on it_

_Nightmare: turns back to find Cervantes staring at him and jumps Ah!! Pirate ghost, Pirate ghost!!  
Cervantes: Then why don't ye pretend to be vanquished an' act like he's freed ye?_

_Raphael: Muahahahaha! My plan has been set into motion!_

**Over the Hills and Far Far Away**

**Cervantes: **Hurry up me lad. Ye want te get this over an' done with dun ye?**  
Nightmare: **_grumbles_ and walks even slower I don't think it'll work**  
Cervantes: **_glaring over his shoulder_ Ye doubt my words?**  
Nightmare: **Well… you are a pirate… and technically I did sort of steal from you…**  
Cervantes: **_stops_ Ye did what now?**  
Nightmare: **Nothing, nothing _tries to look inconspicuous, whistling as he walks by_**  
Nightmare: **Anyways, I still don't like the idea of fighting him and "pretending" that he's free'd me. Will that not just make things worse? And it is kinda hard to hide a demonic arm**  
Cervantes: **Dumb blondes. Ye should've been a girl the way yer getting' on**  
Nightmare: **OoOo if I was a girl I could have really pretty armour, all bright and gleaming and have huge breasts… _continues on into the distance_**  
Cervantes: **Dear Lard, he's an idiot

**At the Mansion**

**Raphael:** Oo Oo, Ivy, look! That speck on the horizon! It's him! He's coming back to me!  
**Ivy:** _Not looking up from her book_ Mmhmm, of course it is.  
**Raphael: **_scoffs_ really Ivy, how can you be so calm?  
**Ivy: **It's simple, I'm not a moron  
**Raphael:** Ah I see

**Somewhere off in the distance**

**Yoshimitsu:** _using sword as pogo stick _Namu! _bounces up into the air and see's something off in distance_

**Still quite far away**

**Nightmare:** Damn, I can't believe I ran this far… _pauses_  
**Nightmare:** Actually, scratch that, I'm surprised I didn't run further  
**Cervantes:** _chuckles _Ye have no idea how to handle people do ye boy?  
**Nightmare:** Of course I do! I handle them very well! You punch them, kick them and then, if I'm in a good mood, I gut them.  
**Cervantes: **_rolls eyes_  
**Nightmare:** But it just doesn't seem to work with him! Well, the gutting might. Haven't tried that one yet _ponders this course of action_  
**Cervantes:** _grins _oh really? An' why haven't ye tried it before?  
**Nightmare:** _growls _because spending more than a couple of minutes near him is just scary. Even if I cut his head off it would keep fucking talking!  
**Cervantes: **That wouldn't surprise me  
**Nightmare:** Even this plan just doesn't seem right can now see the mansion is not so far away  
**Cervantes: **Well ye may as well give it a try. If it dun work, then ye can just do your usual an' run away with yer tail between you're legs  
**Cervantes:** _laughs as Nightmare throws a tantrum_

**At the Mansion**

**Raphael: **_Pointing a shaking finger at the window with a fear-stricken face, and his jaw nearly hitting the floor_**  
Raphael: **Him! HIM?! You let him near my beautiful German boy?! _shaking finger now pointing in Ivy's face_**  
Ivy: **_swipes his finger away_ Yes, I did _sips some tea_  
**Raphael: **Why in God's name did you send him?!**  
Ivy: **And why shouldn't I have?**  
Raphael: **It's bad enough having that demon taking hold of him, but having that scoundrel of a pirate – the one he stole Soul Edge from – near him was just a ludicrously stupid … _trails off_**  
Ivy: **_glares daggers at him_**  
Raphael:** _sweat drop_

**_Will Raphael be able to talk his way out of this one? – Well, I suppose he could just continuosly talk 'til her ears bleed…  
Is Nightmare really walking into a trap? – Seeing as we still don't know. It really is like an actual soap/drama  
What was it that caught Yoshimitsu's eye? – And why the hell is he there._**

**Raphael: **And you said I ruined the drama last time  
**Me: **Shut it  
**Raphael:** You really should let me do these things. I am far more articulate.  
**Me… **Yes… and obviously being articulate is important in soaps/dramas Oo  
**Raphael:** … Good point

_**Find out next time on "Loves First Ponz"!! – maybe**_

**Raphael: **I believe we have discussed the problem with this name before**  
Me: **Uh huh**  
Raphael:** And still you don't seem to be getting the grasp**  
Me: **Oo**  
Nightmare: **With the way you fight, it's perfectly fitting**  
Raphael: **I would hate you right now, if you hadn't have put together such a beautiful sentence**  
Nightmare:** Get Fu-

_Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep_


	3. Chapter 3

_Previously__:-_

_**Nightmare**__: -growls- because spending more than a couple of minutes near him is just scary. Even if I cut his head off it would keep fucking talking!  
__**Cervantes**__: That wouldn't surprise me_

_**Raphael**__: -Pointing a shaking finger at the window with a fear-stricken face, and his jaw nearly hitting the floor-  
__**Raphael**__: Him! HIM?! You let him near my beautiful German boy?! -shaking finger now pointing in Ivy's face-_

**At The Mansion**

**Raphael: **I must apologize my dear friend, I meant no insult to you or your… _raises eyebrow_ family

**Ivy: **_shakes head _Whatever. How far away are they?

**Raphael: **_looks out window _Not far now

**Ivy: **_jumps when Raphael makes a fan girl squeak_ What the

**Raphael: **Nightmares in front of him! He's running! RUNNING!!

**Ivy: **And you're excited about that why?

**Raphael: **_scoffs _Well obviously he's come to terms with the fact he loves me and can't live without me

**Ivy: **… You want Nightmare to love you? …

**Raphael: **No no, I want my German boy, but if I must, I'll live with his armored form.

**Ivy: **_rolls eyes_ For the last time his name is Siegfried. Even I remember that and I have no interest in the bloody man

**Nightmare: **Oh really? _eyes Ivy suspiciously_

**Ivy: **Oh for fuck sake it just gets worse

**Not so far away**

**Nightmare: **So how exactly do I let him beat me without it being obvious?

**Cervantes: **_pauses_ Hmmm

**Nightmare: **What?

**Cervantes: **Too be honest I never really thought about that

**Nightmare: **What?! _stares open-mouthed_

**Cervantes: **Well, think back to a time ye've been beat

**Nightmare: **When I've been what?

**Cervantes: _to self_** He's almost as pig-headed as that ponz

**Cervantes: **Well lettin' him get a hit in aint really gonna do much damage to ye, is it?

**Nightmare: **_shrugs_ S'pose not, why?

**Cervantes: **Well why don't ye pretend it's a fatal attack an' ya know, fall over?

**Nightmare: **Why have I got a feeling this aint gonna work?

**Cervantes: **Canny hurt to try

**Somewhere of in the distance**

**Yoshimistsu: **Hmm… I feel a very strange disturbance in the force

**Yoshimitsu: **_Using sword as a pogo stick, bounces off over the hills_ Namu!!

**At The Mansion**

**Ivy: **They're here _sips some tea_

_Silence_

**Ivy: **_turns round_Raphael?

_Hears a rustling noise from cupboard_

**Ivy: **What are you doing?

**Raphael: **_Falling out of cupboard_ I have to find the right costume! Damn!

**Ivy: **I suggest the one that's easiest to wash blood stains out of

**Outside the Mansion**

**Nightmare: **Right, I'll fight properly for a little bit then let him get a hit in and –

**Cervantes: **Let him get a hit in?

**Nightmare: **Yes, LET him get a hit in. Then I make some stupid speech and fall over pretending to be dead.

**Cervantes: **Pretty much. But you're gonna hav'ta change yer costume so you look like Siegfried after.

**Nightmare: **Why the hell would I wanna do that?

**Cervantes: **Because then he'll see that his "German boy" is dead and you'll be able to get on with yer life

**Nightmare: **That was a strangely good idea

**Raphael: **Ah, there's my worthy adversary

**Nightmare: **_eyebrow twitch_

**Raphael: **How good it is to see you again. Did you miss me that much?

**Nightmare: **Like a fucking hole in the head

**Raphael:**_laughing _I knew you couldn't stay away from me

**Nightmare: **What the _Looks at Cervantes and Ivy who shrug_ Idiot

**Raphael: **Can you finally admit it? Or must I defeat this armored demon you wear first?

**Nightmare: **Armored demon? Where?! _starts spinning on the spot_

**Cervantes: **_rolls eyes_ This is gonna be painful to watch

**Ivy: **Yea, but funny. I bet a fiver on Nightmare

**Raphael: **_Spins to face Ivy_ I shall beat him, and he'll admit he loves me and you shall never have him!!

**Ivy: **_quirks eyebrow _I don't want him

**Nightmare: **_Grins _That's a shame. Would make my life easier

**Raphael: **_Mouth drops_ Oh that is it

**Raphael: **_Unsheathes sword_ On-guard!

**Nightmare: **_Grabs sword_ About bloody time

_Fight ensues. _

_Raphael swings and is parried back by Soul Edge. Nightmare swings and Raphael dodges, swinging his sword across the front of nightmares armor_

**Nightmare: **_pauses_ Nah, not a good enough attack to pretend to die

_Raphael thrusts his sword while Nightmare is busy trying to decide what to do. Raphael pierces through a gap in the armor and stabs Nightmare in the stomach_

**Nightmare: **Huh?

**Inner Nightmare: **Fall over you idiot! This is your best shot!

**Nightmare: **_collapses to his knees _Oh no, I am defeated _sighs_

**Raphael: **What? I mean, hahaha, I have defeated you!

**Nightmare: **Uh, yea _rolls eyes_

**Ivy: **He did what now?

**Cervantes: **Ah don't worry me girl, this should solve both our problems

**Ivy: **Eh?

**Raphael: **Now give me Siegfried back!

**Ivy: **Wow, he actually remembered his name

**Nightmare: **_coughs_ alas, I cannot.

**Raphael: **Why the hell not?

**Nightmare: **_choking and spluttering_ I am Siegfried, you idiot.

**Raphael: **Oh yea… Well, lay down that sword and become the Siegfried I knew

**Nightmare: **I cannot _coughs_ that was a fine attack. I'm afraid, I am dieing

**Raphael: **You're what?

**Nightmare: **Are you deaf? I said I'm DIEING. Dear god, this is taking to long

**Raphael: **_falling to knees_ But…but… you can't die… _sniffles_

**Nightmare****: **_mumbling_ Oh dear god this is unbearable

**Cervantes: **Oh dear

**Ivy: **What?

**Cervantes: **Our plans just backfired _points to Nightmare_

_Both watch as the pulsing vien on Nightmares forehead gets bigger_

**Ivy: **Ah

**Raphael: **_Now sobbing_ You can't leave me! Where else am I gonna find a gorgeous German boy?

**Nightmare: **Uh, Germany? _grits teeth_

**Raphael: **But I don't want anyone else _pouts_

**Nightmare: **Oh fuck this_ kicks Raphael in the face_

**Nightmare: _-_**_to Cervantes _There's no way in hell I'm pretending to lose to a ponz like that!

**Raphael: **_glomps Nightmare as he tries to walk away_ Yay, my love is alive!

**Nightmare: **Ahhhh!! _starts running around_ Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it –

**Yoshimitsu: **_lands in front of mansion_ Namu!!

**Everyone: **_Looks around sky_ Where the hell did he come from?

**Yoshimitsu: **Ah, I knew something was a foot _points sword at Nightmare_ Now you must die!

**Raphael: **You shall never take away my love!

**Yoshimitsu: **_pauses_ You're what?

**Raphael: **My love

**Yoshimitsu: **_Looks at Nightmare and laughs manically_

**Nightmare: **Oh your doped up ass is gonna get kicked

**Raphael: **Together we shall destroy you

**Nightmare: **I don't need your help

**Raphael: **_ignoring Nightmare_ With our combined power of blonde and giggling we shall ponz you to death!

**Nightmare: **_eyes Raphael suspiciously_ Did he give you something?

**Raphael: **No I think the authors spazzed out

_United, will the blonde headed warriors be able to overcome this adversary?_

**Nightmare: **I don't need his help dammit!

_Will Raphael's dreams finally come true?_

**Nightmare: **Those dreams better not have anything to do with me

**Raphael: **Oh they do _winks_

_Will Ivy and Cervantes actually do anything?_

**Cervantes: **I had ta walk with that ejit for feckin hours, I've done enough

**Ivy: **I've been stuck in Raphael's mansion. Need I say more?

_Find out next time on __**Loves First Ponz!!**_

**Nightmare: **Haha Ponz.

**Raphael: **Call me what you like, but I defeated you!

**Nightmare: **You really are dumb aren't you?

**Cervantes + Ivy: **Yep

**Raphael: **Quiet you!

**Nightmare: **Why hasn't the author shouted at us yet?

**Raphael: **Hmm yes that is quite strange

**Cervantes: **The episode IS over… isn't it?

**Ivy: **Oh I'm sure it is

**Raphael: **Then why –

**Me: **Meep

**Nightmare: **Oooooooooookay… I think we should just back away quietly…

**Me: **Woohoo for blonde power!! _glumps Nightmare_

**Nightmare: **AHHHHH!! GET HER OFF!! GET HER –

_Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep_


	4. Chapter 4

**_Previously:-_**

_**Nightmare: **__So how exactly do I let him beat me without it being obvious?_

_**Cervantes: **__Too be honest I never really thought about that_

_Raphael thrusts his sword while Nightmare is busy trying to decide what to do. Raphael pierces through a gap in the armor and stabs Nightmare in the stomach_

_**Nightmare: **__Huh?_

_**Inner Nightmare: **__Fall over you idiot! This is your best shot!_

_**Nightmare: **__-collapses to his knees- Oh no, I am defeated_

_**Raphael: **__You shall never take away my love!_

_**Yoshimitsu: **__-pauses- You're what?_

_**Raphael: **__-ignoring Nightmare- With our combined power of blonde and giggling we shall ponz you to death!_

_**Nightmare: **__*eyes Raphael suspiciously* Did he give you something?_

**Outside the mansion**

**Cervantes: **That was a long flashback. Think the writer needed reminding of what actually _had_ previously happened

**Everyone else: **_ignores Cervantes_

**Cervantes: **_mumbling_ bloody huffy author

**Nightmare: **Raphael, why would I want to work with you?

**Raphael: **_quirks eyebrow_ well, um… _looks desperately at Ivy and Cervantes_

**Ivy: **_sighs _Well, you both have very different sword styles. Yoshimitsu is quite quick. With Raphael's quick ponzy sword style he could incapacitate the speed addicted swords man so that you can completely destroy him with your slow but ridiculously powerful attacks.

**Raphael + Nightmare: **_gape_

**Ivy: **_sighs_ Father you understand right? _turns to look at Cervantes_

**Cervantes: **_is also gaping_

**Ivy: **_sighs some more_

**Yoshimitsu****: **_slowly backs away_

**Nightmare: **Oi! Where d'ya think you're going?

**Yoshimitsu: **I may be on every adrenalin inducing drug known to man, but this fic's even too strange for me!

**Yoshimitsu: **_Bounces off into the sunset_ NAMU!!!!!

**Cervantes: **Why was there a sunset in the middle of the day?

**Cervantes: **_gets hit over the head with a giant pen_ Ow, what the fuck was tha for?

**Everyone else: **_looking nervously at the hovering pen_

**Cervantes: **Now listen here miss author! I'll have you know that I am a very important character. I am also a writer myself, and I must say this is simply appalling! Your plot – if you actually have one – is scattered and a mess. You ignore the laws of time. You even defy gravity! A giant hovering pen!

**Graveyard – Cervantes Funeral**

**Ivy: **Father! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

**Raphael: **_ Looking slightly nervous_ I will never question the author again

**Nightmare: **_manically laughing_ finally! The stupid undead pirate is now the very stupid DEAD pirate!

**Ivy: **_glares at Nightmare_

**Nightmare: **Your odd dominatrix style does not scare me sweetheart

**Raphael: **_quirks eyebrow_ sweetheart?

**Nightmare: **Yes darling?

**Graveyard – tumble weed drifts past**

**Ivy: **Ahem, anyway… Noooooooooooo!!! My poor father!! How can I live without him?!

**Raphael: **Well, you have been living with me for the past 10 years.

**Nightmare: **Damn, what age are you?

**Raphael: **_scoffs_ I am not much older than you my dear, dear Siegfried.

**Nightmare: **_twitches_

**Raphael: **_changing subject_ Ivy, why don't you request that our lovely author bring your father back?

**Ivy: **_blinks_ Huh? I never thought of that

**Ivy: **_looks up at the strange hovering pen_ Miss author? Firstly, let me apologise for my father's behaviour. I think he was mildly annoyed that Nightmare didn't go through with the plan

**Nightmare: **_Stops strangling Raphael_ Oi!

**Everyone else: **_confused looks all round_ When did he start strangling him?

**Ivy: **Anyways, if you please bring him back I promise I'll make him behave!

**Outside the Mansion**

**Cervantes:**You know, even if you have technically died before, it's still fucking freaky. Especially when you're bashed to death by a giant pen…

**Ivy: **Well I hope you learned your lesson!

**Cervantes: **Aye. Be aware of giant floating pens

**Cervantes: **_gets bashed over back of head_

**Nightmare: **I love this author!

**Me: **It wasn't me. Honestly! _Tries to look inconspicuous_

**Maxi: **_nun chucks under arm_ It's about time I made an entrance! Cervantes has been here for ages!

**Cervantes: **_rubbing back of head_ sneaky little shit. I oughta kill ye for that!

**Maxi: **I'd like to see you try, pirate!

**Nightmare: **This should be entertaining

**Raphael: **_giggling _Ninja boy's gonna get his arse kicked

**Nightmare: **_staring_ Are you sure Yoshimitsu didn't give you something?

**Raphael: **_twirling a finger in his hair_ c'mon Cervantes. Beat him already.

**Cervantes: **Didn't think ye liked this sorta thing

**Raphael: **I don't. I'm just sick of random people turning up at my bloody home!

**Nightmare: **Well it's not like you're "home" is hard to miss. Nor is a brightly coloured ponz, a man in heavy armour with a demonic arm and a giant sword, a woman in what looks like a swimsuit with a whip, and an un-dead pirate.

**Raphael: **Yea, yea. It's still annoying

**Maxi: **Um… what's actually going on here? Don't you people, ya know, hate each other?

**Raphael: **_looking shocked_ why would we hate each other?

**Cervantes: **I understand yer confusion. Nightmare **does** hate Raphael, but he'll never acknowledge that. That's 'bout it though.

**Maxi: **Yea… but don't you hate Nightmare?

**Cervantes: **Eh? _looks confused_ Why would I hate Nightmare?

**Maxi: **Well that's obvious! Because he stole so-

**Nightmare: **_cuts Maxi's head off_

**Cervantes: **_looks at Nightmare suspiciously_

**Nightmare: **I, uh, got bored?

**Cervantes: **_narrows eyes further_

**Nightmare: **Eh, he was trying to distract you so he could get away. Crafty little bugger eh?

**Cervantes: **Makes sense. He knew I'd beat him.

**Nightmare: **_sighs in relief_

**Ivy: **_sighs in relief_

**Raphael: **…what?

**Inside mansion**

**Strange hissing shadow: **_Creeps through the Sorel mansion_

**Nightmare: **What do ya have to do to get a bloody cup of tea around here?!

**Raphael: **I would answer that but we have company _winks_

**Nightmare: **_shudders_

**Ivy + Cervantes: **_also shudder_

**Strange hissing shadow: **_hides behind curtain in office_

_Will Nightmare be able to get over his uncontrollable loathing of the brightly coloured ponz?_

**Raphael: **There is nothing wrong with the colour of my clothes!

_Will Cervantes die yet again?_

**Cervantes: **Was that a threat?

_What will happen to Maxi's corpse?_

**Nightmare: **well, obviously it will rot in the front garden, wont it?

_And what is this strange hissing shadow that is hiding in Raphael__ and Ivy's office?_

**Ivy: **What's in my office?!

_Find out next time on __**Loves First Ponz!**_

**Cervantes: **I'd like to take a moment to apologise for this dreadful fic. I know how painful it must be to read this drivel, but to actually be part of it is –

**Cervantes: **_Gets crushed by a giant writing pad_

**Ivy: **_sighs_ He'll never learn

**Nightmare: **_laughing manically_ Please let him stay dead this time. The stench is getting slightly unbearable.

**Raphael: **Now now, we must think of poor Ivy's feelings. Miss author, would you be so kind to bring Cervantes bac-

**Nightmare: **_strangles Raphael_ NOO!!! Don't bring him back! I beg you!

**Cervantes: **She can't let me die. Piracy's in the lasses blood!

**Nightmare: **Ah, fuc-

_Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep_

A/N - I don't own any of the characters. Sorry I took so long to update. Uni stuff. -sighs-


	5. Chapter 5

_Previously:-_

_**Maxi: **__-nun chucks under arm- It's about time I made an entrance! Cervantes has been here for ages!_

_**Cervantes: **__-rubbing back of head- sneaky little shit. I oughta kill ye for that!_

_**Cervantes: **__Eh? –looks confused- Why would I hate Nightmare?_

_**Maxi: **__Well that's obvious! Because he stole so-_

_**Nightmare: **__-cuts Maxi's head off-_

_**Cervantes: **__-looks at Nightmare suspiciously-_

_**Strange hissing shadow: **__-Creeps through the Sorel mansion-_

**Inside the Mansion**

**Ivy: **_sipping tea in her office _you know, those curtains look strange

**Curtains: **hissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

**Ivy: **Okay… I think I'll go find the others…

**Curtains: **_grabs Ivy _hissss

**Ivy: **_screams_

**Kitchen**

**Cervantes: **Did ye hear that?

**Nightmare: **_stuffing his face _hear what?

**Cervantes: **_sighs _I suppose it would be impossible to hear anything over your loud feckin' mouth!

**Nightmare: **Oi! We've spent the majority of this fic running, fighting and being attacked by ponz's. I'm fuckin' starvin'!

**Cervantes: **Aye, whatever. We should go see wha' that was. Look on the bright side. We could find Raphael sprawled at the bottom of the stairs.

**Nightmare: **Or being strangled by his own clothes.

**Cervantes: **Or being attacked by Yoshimitsu

**Nightmare: **Or zombie Maxi

_Silence_

**Cervantes: **Now that be funny

_Both run out of kitchen_

**Bathroom**

_Raphael's washing his hair_

**Raphael: **ugh, blood is a nightmare to get out

**Inner Raphael: **It was a Nightmare that put it in as well

**Raphael: **_giggles at own joke_

_Nightmare and Cervantes burst in_

**Nightmare: **Aww… It's only Maxi's blood

**Cervantes: **Well that was a bit of a wasted trip

**Raphael: **_looks confused _Eh?

**Nightmare: **We heard a scream

**Cervantes: **Ye mean **I** heard a scream

**Nightmare: **Whatever

**Raphael: **Aw and you came to check that I was okay

**Nightmare: **Uh…yea…_laughs_

**Cervantes: **Yea _laughs_ t'would be a shame if ye got hurt _laughs some more_

**Raphael: **_wonders why they're both laughing_

**Raphael: **Well, anyway, if it wasn't me…

**Cervantes: **_stops laughing _IVY!!!!!

_All run to the office_

**Ivy's Office**

_All burst in_

**Ivy: **Well it's about bloody time

**Nightmare: **Sorry we thought-

**Ivy: **That Raphael and hurt himself and were off to laugh at him.

**Cervantes: **No no no, nothing like that

**Nightmare: **No, definitely nothing like that

**Ivy: **_glares_

**Cervantes: **Okay so that is what happened

**Nightmare: **But you can't blame us!

**Raphael: **_Laughs _Ah you guys are funny

**Everyone else: **_Try not to feel uncomfortable_

**Nightmare: **Ahem, anyway…

**Cervantes: **What happened? Where be the scoundrel that dared to hurt me daughter?

**Ivy: **That'd be the odd looking fellow behind me holding the strange looking hand knives to my throat.

**Nightmare: **Oh yea

**Raphael: **Probably should've noticed him sooner

**Ivy: **Yes, well, don't worry. I didn't expect you to figure that out. After all how could you when you, Raphael, are still staring at Nightmare, and you, Cervantes, did get your head crushed a couple of times in the previous chapter.

**Cervantes: **That be true

**Raphael: **What about Nightmare?

**Ivy: **He's in shock

**Everyone: **_turns to look at Nightmare_

**Nightmare: **_standing with jaw hitting the floor and babbling incoherent nonsense_

**Cervantes: **Well, that's an odd sight

**Raphael: **You're telling me. Um, Nightmare?

**Nightmare: **_point's shaky finger at the "man" behind Ivy_

**Nightmare: **Oh dear god! It's him!!! Run away!!!!!!! _Screams and runs off_

**Ivy: **Thanks Nightmare

**Cervantes: **Get back here ye coward!!!

**Raphael: **Maybe we should be putting more effort into helping Ivy?

**Cervantes: **Are ye telling me what I should be doin'? _Holds sword to Raphael's throat_

**Vold****o: **Hissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

**Cervantes: **Attack!!!

_Both C__ervantes and Raphael attack Voldo. Voldo throws Ivy at them_

**Ivy: **Ah! How rude!

**Raphael: **_gasps_ My hair! You've ruined my beautiful hair! And I just washed it!

**Cervantes: **Shut ye up and help me!

_Cervantes swings sword at Vold__o who jumps out window_

**Vold****o: **Hissssssssss

**Raphael: **Well… that seemed pointless

**Ivy: **Not entirely

**Raphael: **How so?

**From outside - Nightmare: **_Screams _Get away from me!!!

**Ivy: **I believe that scream just answered your question

**Raphael: **_Looks confused_

**Cervantes: **_sighs _We just found out Nightmare is afraid of tha' freaky looking guy tha' jumped outta the window.

**Raphael: **I'm sure there's a rational explanation

**Nightmare: **_Runs back into office and hides behind Raphael. _Is he gone? Don't let him come near me!

**Ivy: **Rational explanation? He's hiding behind you, so I doubt it.

**Cervantes: **What be wrong with ye boy? I know, the sex slave gone wrong is mighty creepy looking, but it weren't tha' scary

**Ivy: **Tira was here?

**Nightmare+ Raphael: **Oi!

**Nightmare: **Tira was not a sex slave!

**Raphael: **Of course she wasn't!

**Nightmare: **And Voldo is fucking creepy. Blind fold or not, I swear that thing looks straight through my soul _shivers_

**Ivy: **Don't be fucking stupid. And don't change the subject! Where is Tira anyway?

**Nightmare: **This is only Soul Calibur 2

**Ivy: **Oh yea…

**Cervantes: **Wasn't Tira a change of subject to?

_Everyone looks at Nightmare_

**Nightmare: **What?

_Why is our azure night terrified of the strange sex slave?_

**Nightmare: ** Stop saying sex slave!

_Who was it Cervantes saw as Voldo jumped out the window?_

**Cervantes: **…I saw what?

_Why Is Maxi's corpse no longer lying in the front garden?_

**Ivy: **I think the author's lost it

**Raphael: **I agree. Perhaps we should finish for her?

**Cervantes: **I was thinking the same thing. I don't remember seeing anything out the window. The gagged and blindfolded freak kinda had my attention

**Nightmare: **_giggling in the background_

**Raphael: **Maybe the author has some sort of connection with Nightmare? They both seem to have lost it

**Nightmare: **_giggling more _It's alive I tell you. Alivvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! _Starts maniacally laughing_

**Ivy: **Why do I have this foreboding feeling?

**Cervantes: **Just don't turn around

**Maxi: **rawrrrr brains…brrraaaaaaaiiiiiinnnssssssss

**Raphael: **Aw fuck

_Find out next time on __**Loves First Ponz!**_

**Raphael: **Hellllllllppppppp!!!!!!!!!!

_Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep_


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N – Thanks to TwistedAffection for reviewing and watching. Hope you continue to enjoy ^_^__ - and sorry I took so long to update. Wasn't sure I was going to continue… but it's fun!_

_Previously:-_

_**Ivy: **__Yes, well, don't worry. I didn't expect you to figure that out. After all how could you when you, Raphael, are still staring at Nightmare, and you, Cervantes, did get your head crushed a couple of times in the previous chapter._

_**Cervantes: **__That be true_

_**Raphael: **__What about Nightmare?_

_**Ivy: **__He's in shock_

_**Everyone: **__turns to look at Nightmare_

_**Nightmare: **__standing with jaw hitting the floor and babbling incoherent nonsense_

_**Voldo: **__Hissssssssss_

_**Raphael: **__Well… that seemed pointless_

_**Ivy: **__Not entirely_

_**Raphael: **__How so?_

_**From outside - Nightmare: **__Screams Get away from me!!!_

_**Ivy: **__Why do I have this foreboding feeling?_

_**Cervantes: **__Just don't turn around_

_**Maxi: **__rawrrrr brains…brrraaaaaaaiiiiiinnnssssssss_

_**Raphael: **__Aw fuck_

**Inside the Mansion**

**Zombie Maxi: **Rawr..brains…

**Zombie Maxi: **_attempts to eat Raphael's head_

**Ivy: **I don't think you'll find much in there deary

**Zombie Maxi: **_looks at Ivy and begins to drool_

**Ivy: **Oh for the love of god will someone please just kill him

**Cervantes: **Damn right. No Nightmare to steal my kill, again. Although, that still be mighty suspicious _glares at Nightmare who has fallen on the floor into a twitching, giggling mess._

**Nightmare: **_giggles _voldo _giggles more _zombie maxi _hysterical laughter_

**Cervantes: **Eh, right well.

_Walks over to the slowly retreating zombie Maxi and cuts his head off. Again._

**Raphael: **… How'd his head get back on?

**Ivy: **How do corpses come back to life?

**Both: **_Look at Cervantes_

**Cervantes: **Ye actually think I have the faintest idea how I came back to life? Ye must be jokin'

**Ivy: **_sighs _why have I got a feeling Nightmare knows the answer?

**Everyone: **_watches Nightmare continue to giggle and twitch on floor_

**Raphael: **I'm not sure we'd get a coherent answer, so why not just chalk it up to fate or some crap like that?

**Ivy: **You know what? I think I'm actually going to go with you on that

**Raphael: **_looks shocked_

**Cervantes: **In other words the authoress either can't be arsed or has forgotten

**Ivy: **_stares at Cervantes _you really are a glutton for punishment, you know that?

**Cervantes: **eh?

**Nightmare: **_Stops giggling _is that a giant hovering pen?

**Cervantes: **_jumps _where? Where?! You won't get me this time! _Runs off laughing_

**Nightmare: **_has managed to pull himself off the floor and controlled the odd manic giggling_

**Nightmare: **Where were we?

**Ivy: **We were here

**Nightmare + Ivy: **Great gag!

**Raphael: **_stares _Did you just steal material?

**Nightmare: **… no…

**Nightmare: **_gets whacked with a giant pen_

**Cervantes: **_randomly and 'magically' appearing back on the scene _ha! That's what you get!

**Nightmare: **_looking confused _what do I get?

**Me: **_muttering _need to sharpen my pen

**Ivy: **If we could get back to the point…

**Nightmare: **the what?

**Cervantes: **Jus' wha' I was about te ask

**Ivy: **Nightmare, one question… What the fuck?

**Raphael: **Now now, a lady shouldn't swear!

**Ivy: **Whatever, who the hell was that? Or what? And why was it here? And why did you turn into a gibbering mess?

**Nightmare: **_looks at Raphael _she obviously never played the game

**Raphael: **_gasps _Alas! My love speaks!

**Nightmare: **Fantastic, I'm off _leaves_

**Raphael: **Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! Ivy!!!! You said you had a plan!!!!

**Ivy: **Yes, well, that was before I was attacked by random sex slaves and zombies and drugged up swordsmen

**Raphael: **Good point

**Outside**

**Nightmare: **Finally I'm free!

**Nightmare: **_quickly looks around_

**Nightmare: **And there's no freaky slaves or swordsmen or zombies.

**Nightmare: **….

**Nightmare: **I'm bored

**Giant Ominous Shadow: **_Growls_

**Nightmare: **Fuck

**In the Mansion**

**Ivy: **What the fuck is that?

**Raphael: **I would berate you for swearing… but fucking hell!

**Cervantes: **That maul looks bout the same size as the armored git…

**Cervantes: **Callin' all bets! Nightmare verse the giant … monster … thing… 100 to 1 tha' the twat wins!

**Raphael: **I like those odds…

**Ivy: **You have no idea do you?

**Raphael: **... They're good right?

**Ivy: **Sure, why not.

**Raphael: **Shouldn't we be helping him?

**Ivy: **Probably

**Cervantes: **Ere, does tha' big guy look familiar to ye?

**Raphael: **The weird glowy thing in his chest looks familiar

_Silence_

**Cervantes: **Aw bollocks

**Outside**

**Nightmare: **I could beat you easy

**Astaroth: **… Yes Master

**Nightmare: **Oh yea, I own you don't I?

**Astaroth: **Yes Master

**Nightmare: **Uh… can you say anything else?

**Astaroth: **Yes Master

**Nightmare: **Fantastic

**Inside the Mansion**

**Cervantes: **Why don't I hear screaming yet?

**Ivy: **They're talking…

**Raphael: **That thing can talk?!

**Ivy: **_rolls eyes _Evidently

**Cervantes: **Well, there goes the entertainment

**Ivy: **I don't think so… they're heading this way

**Raphael: **What?! That thing is not coming into my home!

**Nightmare: **Yo, this is my pet

_Everyone stares_

**Nightmare: **His name is Astaroth

_Everyone continues to stare_

**Nightmare: **What?

**Raphael: **That thing can't stay here

**Cervantes + Ivy: **_Look at each other in shock_

**Cervantes: **Did he just say no to Nightmare?

**Ivy: **Uh… I think so…

**Nightmare: **Why not? He's house trained!

**Raphael: **That hardly matters

**Nightmare: **So you're saying I'm not allowed to keep him here?

**Raphael: **Exactly

**Nightmare: **_Sounding hopeful _So I should leave

**Raphael: **Exact- wait, no!

**Nightmare: **Damn

**Raphael: **Its fine! You can keep him!

**Nightmare: **Great. Astaroth, welcome to your new home … for now

**Astaroth: **Yay!

Ya

_The house shakes and begins to crumble as Astaroth bounces up and down_

_Who the hell was the odd freak that attacked Ivy?_

**Ivy: **We would have had an answer if you hadn't got distracted

**Cervantes: **Now who's a glutton for punishment?

**Ivy: **I'm not. I just know the authoress likes me

**Cervantes: **Suckin' up are ye?

_Why did Maxi turn into a zombie?_

**Nightmare: **_giggles _zombie Maxi _giggles_

**Raphael: **Gah! Don't start him again!

_Why did Nightmare turn hysterical?_

**Nightmare: **Wouldn't you?

**Me: **Touché…

_Will the mansion survive Astaroth's odd 5 year old hyper fit?_

**Raphael: **It bloody better!

_Find out next time on __**Loves First Ponz!**_

**Raphael: **Maybe next time you could try to remember what you were talking about

**Nightmare: **And stop making me go insane! … Scratch that, make me more insane!

**Ivy: **At least she didn't pick on me in this chapter. Being attacked by some sex slave was a nightmare

**Nightmare: **Yes?

**Ivy: **_rolls eyes_

**Astaroth: **Yay!! _Bounces_

_House shakes and crumbles_

**Cervantes: **Ah fuck.

….

**Nightmare: **Hey where's the –

_Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep_


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N – Sorry I haven't updated in a long while. Thanks for the reviews and favs ^_^_

_Previously: -_

_**Zombie Maxi: **__Rawr..brains…_

_**Raphael: **__… How'd his head get back on?_

_**Ivy: **__How do corpses come back to life?_

_**Both: **__Look at Cervantes_

_**Cervantes: **__Ye actually think I have the faintest idea how I came back to life? Ye must be jokin'_

_**Nightmare: **__I'm bored_

_**Giant Ominous Shadow: **__Growls_

_**Nightmare: **__Fuck_

_**Nightmare: **__I could beat you easy_

_**Astaroth: **__… Yes Master_

_**Nightmare: **__Oh yea, I own you don't I?_

_**Nightmare: **__Great. Astaroth, welcome to your new home … for now_

_**Astaroth: **__Yay!_

_The house shakes and begins to crumble as Astaroth bounces up and down_

**Inside the – crumbling – Mansion**

**Raphael: **Gah! Make him stop jumping!

**Ivy: **_Sips tea _Well this should be interesting

**Nightmare: **He's just a little over excited.

**Astaroth: **Yay! Master's here!

**Nightmare: **Uh… yea…. Hey why don't you go play outside?

**Astaroth: **Play! _Runs off outside_

**Nightmare: **See? Problem solved

**Ivy: **Not quite. There's still the matter of what the hell is going on.

**Nightmare: **Going on?

**Ivy: **You know, the sex slave, the drugged swordsman, killing Maxi… zombie Maxi.

**Cervantes: **That still be mighty suspicious

**Nightmare: **Suspicious? There's nothing suspicious about it. I think you're goin' senile

**Cervantes: **Ya wha'?

**Raphael: **_Sniggers_

**Nightmares: **Anyway, they're gone now.

**Ivy: **I'm aware of that, but I believe you owe us some explanations

**Nightmare: **Why me?

**Ivy: **Well nothing like this has every happened before. Until you arrived that is.

**Raphael: **How dare you! My dear Siegfried would never have anything to do with this.

**Nightmare: **Yeah, what he said

**Ivy: **_Raises eyebrow _Of course not.

**Cervantes: **I wonder what Maxi was getting' at.

**Nightmare: **Absolutely nothing

**Cervantes: **You seem a tad nervous.

**Nightmare: **Nervous? Me? Never!

**Raphael: **Look here you zombie pirate!

**Cervantes: **I'm a wha'? _draws sword_

**Raphael: **Eh… never mind.

**Ivy: **Shall we just move on? And what the hell is all that noise?

_Random screaming and manic laughter echo's through the room_

**Nightmare: **This is why you should always keep an eye on your pets…

**Outside the Mansion**

**Astaroth: **Play!

**Cassandra: **Die monster!

**Raphael: **Why do these people keep coming to my house?

**Nightmare: **Maybe they've come to profess their love to you.

**Raphael: **Why would someone do something as idiotic as that?

**Nightmare: **I have no idea. _Rolls eyes_

**Cervantes: **Ah, the stupidity returns. I was startin' ta get worried.

**Raphael: **Huh?

**Ivy: **And things are back to normal

_Astaroth roars and swings maul at Cassandra_

**Ivy: **Well, almost.

**Nightmare: **Come on boy! Crack her skull open! _Cackles evilly_

**Cervantes: **Callin' all bets, Monster verses the cutie. 10 gold pieces says the wench loses her head!

**Raphael: **Do we even have gold pieces?

**Cervantes: **Well, not exactly. More like globs of gold. Takes a while to melt things down

**Raphael: **Melt things…? Is that where my stuff's been disappearing to?

**Cervantes: **As if you don't have enough shite lying about that house.

**Raphael: **That's hardly the point!

_Cassandra quickly dodges as the maul hits the dirt beside her. She launches herself at Astaroth and cuts him. Astaroth falls over and starts to cry_

**Nightmare: **…

**Ivy: **Well that's just… sad

**Nightmare: **Very…

**Raphael: **Shall we move on?

**Inside the Mansion**

**Cervantes: **Well that were pointless

**Ivy: **Not entirely. _points at Nightmare_

**Nightmare: **_crying _Come back my wonderfully destructive pet!

**Raphael: **There there, it's alright

**Nightmare: **No it's… what the fuck am I doing? _Gets up and makes himself a cup of tea_

**Ivy: **And I actually thought Raphael was gonna get lucky.

**Cervantes: **You have a filthy mind my dear

**Ivy: **Well I am your daughter

**Cervantes: **Touché

**Raphael: **Wait I was going to get what?

**Nightmare: **Absolutely nothing

**Raphael: **Damn

**Ivy: **You do realise that girl's still running about your lawn?

_They watch out the window as Cassandra runs about randomly hitting the house with her sword_

**Raphael: **What an odd woman…

**Nightmare: **Pot Kettle Black…

**Raphael: **Just ignore her. She'll go away eventually

**Ivy: **Or die from exhaustion…

**Raphael: **Or die from exhaustion…

**Ivy: **Or get skewered by Nightmare's sword…

**Raphael: **Or get skewered by… what?

_Nightmare pounces out of the window swinging his sword while laughing hysterically_

**Cervantes: **Now that's more like it

**Raphael: **Siegfried no!

**Nightmare: **Die evil wench!

**Cervantes: **… did he say evil?

**Ivy: **It's Nightmare – his morals are pretty screwed up

**Cervantes: **Morals?

**Ivy: **_sighs _never mind

**Cervantes: **Hey, where'd the idiot go?

**Ivy: **Where do you think?

**Outside**

_Nightmare's chasing Cassandra around the garden_

**Nightmare: **Hahahahahahaha I'm gonna catch you little wenchy!

**Raphael: **No! Bad Nightmare!

**Ivy: **He's not a dog…

_Cassandra cowers as Nightmare swings his mighty sword and-_

**We interrupt this broadcast for a very important message!**

**Nightmare: **Aww…

_Will Nightmare enjoy creating bloody carnage?_

**Nightmare: **I fuckin' better get to

_Will Raphael finally 'get lucky'?_

**Raphael: **Who's lucky?

_Will Ivy get the answers she's been waiting for for the last 3 episodes?_

**Ivy: **I doubt it

_When will Cervantes get over his traumatic pen experience?_

**Cervantes: **Oi!

_Find out next time on __**Loves First Ponz!**_

**And now for our important mess-**

__


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N – Thanks guys for the reviews and favs. Sorry if I haven't got back to you!_

_Previously –_

_**Astaroth: **__Play!_

_**Cassandra: **__Die monster!_

_**Raphael: **__Why do these people keep coming to my house?_

_**Nightmare: **__Maybe they've come to profess their love to you. _

_**Raphael: **__Why would someone do something as idiotic as that?_

_**Nightmare: **__Die evil wench!_

_**Cervantes: **__… did he say evil?_

_**Ivy: **__It's Nightmare – his morals are pretty screwed up_

_**Nightmare: **__Hahahahahahaha I'm gonna catch you little wenchy!_

_**Raphael: **__No! Bad Nightmare!_

_**Ivy: **__He's not a dog…_

_Cassandra cowers as Nightmare swings his mighty sword and-_

**Inside the Mansion**

**Ivy: **Well that was exciting _Sips Tea_

**Cervantes: **Elementary _Sips Rum_

**Nightmare: **Wait… what happened?

**Ivy: **You don't remember?

**Nightmare: **Not really. Did I kill her?

**Ivy: **Not exactly; he got in your way _points at Raphael sobbing in a corner_

**Nightmare: **And I didn't kill him either? What a shame

**Cervantes: **Jus' tell 'im woman so I can ge' drunk in peace

**Ivy: **You're already drunk

**Cervantes: **Tha's no' the point!

**Ivy: **Fine, fine, here's what happened

_**Flashback**_

_Cassandra cowers as Nightmare swings his mighty sword and-_

_He trips over Raphael's foot and a new chain of events have been set in motion._

_Nightmare slides across the massive gardens, eating a monumental amount of dirt, as Cassandra chases after him with her sword raised. _

_Raphael chases after them both, praying to whatever deity that would listen that Nightmare had hit his head hard enough not to remember what had just happened. _

_As he is praying, Nightmare has hauled himself up and is swinging his sword wildly – getting dirt inside your helmet is not constructive to good fighting skills – and Cassandra is cruelly prodding him between swings._

_Raphael decides this is unacceptable._

_Raphael draws his sword and stabs her in the face, shouting something like "How do you like being poked?"_

_It takes him several minutes to realise she is dead._

_By the time he has Nightmare has removed his helmet and promptly bashed Raphael's head in with it._

_**End Flashback**_

**Nightmare: **Oh yea… Oi! You stole my kill!

**Raphael: **_Continues to sob in the corner_

**Nightmare: **Eh… how long's he been like that?

**Ivy: **Since he woke up

**Nightmare: **Shouldn't we do something?

_Ivy and Cervantes both stare at him_

**Ivy: **Like what exactly?

**Nightmare: **… We could put a bag over his head?

_Ivy rolls her eyes as Cervantes laughs. Raphael lets out a particularly loud sob_

**Ivy: **There's a slight flaw in your plan

**Nightmare: **Which is?

**Ivy: **That would kill him

**Nightmare: **That's a flaw?

**Ivy: **Nightmare… _she reaches for her sword looking murderous_

**Nightmare: **Geez okay, I'll go say sorry to him or something. But I swear if he hugs me I'll kill you all. Horribly. With lots of blood. And guts.

**Ivy: **Yes, yes, whatever.

**In the suddenly quite private corner**

**Nightmare: **Eh… you okay done there dude?

**Raphael: **_sitting quite comfortably sipping on a cup of tea that mysteriously appeared_

**Raphael: **Yes

**Nightmare: **Well… good _looks at Raphael suspiciously _you aren't going to ask for a hug, are you?

**Raphael: **_Laughing _why on earth would I do that?

**Nightmare: **_Feeling more uncomfortable by the minute – _your acting very… sensible…

**Raphael: **And?

**Nightmare: **What do you mean "and?" usually you'd be all over me if I came within ten feet

**Raphael: **Well, that's hardly likely. Very ungentle man like. Are you sure you're not confusing me with someone else?

**Nightmare: **Unless you've actually turned into David Bowie, no.

**Raphael: **Who?

**Nightmare: **Well at least your power of ignorance is still wonderfully strong.

**Raphael: **_Laughing _I won't deny I can be quite dull when it comes to popular culture.

**Nightmare: **I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry… or throttle you. What the hell is wrong with you?

**Raphael: **Now, now, there's no need to get snippy!

**Nightmare: **_twitches slightly _Snippy? Snippy? I'm not fuckin' snippy! What the fuck does snippy even mean?

**Raphael: **Please do calm down. There really is no need to shout

**Nightmare: **_Looking around nervously _Have I stepped into the Twilight zone?

**Raphael: **Is my current attitude and demeanour disturbing you that much?

**Nightmare: **Yes it bloody is!

**Raphael: **I do apologise but I am not clear on how you expect me to act. If my behaviour has changed perhaps there is a reason for it?

**Nightmare: **I- ye- well- I don't- Oh sod it

_Nightmare grabs Raphael and kisses him_

_Ivy and Cervantes Wolf whistle. A corner in a room really isn't as private as people believe it to be._

**Raphael: **_blinks _

**Nightmare: **_shivers _I think hell just froze over

**Raphael: **_touches his lips _Nightmare…

**Nightmare: **I have a feeling of impending doom…

**Raphael: **_spasms_

**Nightmare: **Yep, impending doom is definitely the right feeling

**Raphael: **… YAY! _Jumps on Nightmare_

**Nightmare: **You cheating little son of a-

_Will Ivy ever find the reason for her existence?_

**Ivy: **All I want are some damn answers. I hardly think my existence has anything to do with it!

_Will Cervantes ever realise exactly what Nightmares sword is?_

**Cervantes: **Well… it's a sword. Ya know, pointy thing. No big feckin mystery there.

_How will Nightmare cope after doing the unthinkable?_

**Nightmare: **Can't sleep… Bowie will eat me…

_And how did Raphael manage to pull off that wonderful performance?_

**Raphael: **Performance? I'll have you know I am quite the gentleman! It's not my fault if Nightmare- Siegfried- turns me into a rambling idiot. And now that I know when to pull it off…

**Nightmare: **_Whimpers_

_Find out next time on __**Loves First Ponz!**_

**Nightmare: **You really are a wan-

__


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N – Thanks for the support guys. I'm glad a few of this are enjoying this as much as I am. Is it bad to laugh at your own work? And sorry I took so long, again. _

_Previously:-_

_**Nightmare: **__Oh yea… Oi! You stole my kill! _

_**Raphael: **__Continues to sob in the corner_

_**Ivy: **__There's a slight flaw in your plan_

_**Nightmare: **__Which is?_

_**Ivy: **__That would kill him_

_**Nightmare: **__That's a flaw?_

_**Raphael: **__Is my current attitude and demeanour disturbing you that much?_

_**Nightmare: **__Yes it bloody is! _

_**Raphael: **__I do apologise but I am not clear on how you expect me to act. If my behaviour has changed perhaps there is a reason for it?_

_**Nightmare: **__I- ye- well- I don't- Oh sod it_

_Nightmare grabs Raphael and kisses him_

_**Nightmare: **__I have a feeling of impending doom…_

_**Raphael: **__spasms_

_**Nightmare: **__Yep, impending doom is definitely the right feeling_

_**Raphael: **__… YAY! Jumps on Nightmare_

_**Nightmare: **__You cheating little son of a-_

**Inside the Mansion**

**Nightmare: **I'm going to fucking kill you!

**Raphael: **Why?

**Nightmare: **What do you mean why? You bloody tricked me, that's why!

**Raphael: **I didn't trick you. And you kissed me, remember? I never asked you to.

**Nightmare: **Gah! I think I liked you better as a mindless moron

**Raphael: **_-grinning- _Aw, I knew ya liked me

**Cervantes: **Does ponz boy have a death wish?

**Raphael: **Oi! Don't call me a ponz!

**Cervantes: **Then get a new fucking sword!

**Raphael: **_-muttering- _I had tried to

**Nightmare: **_-using his insane bat hearing- _Aw, did I beat ya to it? _–laughs manically-_

**Ivy: **I don't think Raphael really has anything to worry about

**Cervantes: **Why d'ya say that?

**Ivy: **They both have ridiculously short attention spans, and Nightmare did kiss Raphael.

**Cervantes: **Twas an odd sight that

**Ivy: **Yes… odd… though quite interesting

**Cervantes: **Quite. Maybe if he'd actually taken his helmet off first…

_Ivy and Cervantes both stare at Nightmare who was now gloating about his victory_

**Cervantes: **Come to think of it, how the hell did he actually kiss him?

**Ivy: **It doesn't bare thinking about.

**Nightmare: **The Plot.

**Ivy: **_-Blinks- _What?

**Nightmare: **The Plot. That's how I kissed him.

_Everyone stares at Nightmare_

**Nightmare: **_-sighs- _The storyline doesn't change simply because you aren't wearing the right costume.

**Ivy: **So… you were destined to kiss Raphael because of some pre conceived notion?

**Nightmare: **Apparently so.

**Raphael: **Well… that's one way to kill the romance. Preconceived notions, bah. Just admit you like me!

**Nightmare: **Hmm… no

**Ivy: **So, by your reckoning, all the insane weird shit that has been going on around here is simply because it is part of a storyline?

**Nightmare: **Exactly.

**Cervantes: **Don't seem like much of a storyline to me.

**Raphael: **Maybe it's a parody.

**Load Last Save?**

**Yes**

**Nightmare: **The Plot.

**Ivy: **_-Blinks- _What?

**Nightmare: **The Plot. That's how I… wait… what was I talking about?

**Cervantes: **_-to Ivy- _See what ya mean about the short attention span.

**Ivy: **_-giggles- _Anyway, shall we move on?

**Raphael: **Ahem… yes, lets.

**Nightmare: **I should still feckin kill you

**Ivy: **Oh give it a rest _Siegfried _and just be glad things are at least mildly normal again.

_Something explodes outside_

**Ivy: **Oh for fucks sake!

**Raphael: **Ivy!

**Cervantes: **_-cackles wildly- _That's me girl!

**Outside the Mansion**

**Yoshimitsu: **Namu namu NAMU!

**Raphael: **Wait a minute… wasn't he here before?

**Nightmare: **Huh… I think he was…

**Ivy: **What's a Namu?

**Cervantes: **Probably a mushroom

**Nightmare: **Great, I've always wanted to kill someone on drugs.

**Raphael: **Why?

**Nightmare: **Because it'd be funny?

**Ivy: **Typical.

**Yoshimitsu: **I shall destroy you evil one!

**Nightmare: **_to Raphael _I think he's talking to you

**Raphael: **Yes because I'm the armour wearing maniac stealing people's souls… and hearts _whimpers_

**Nightmare: **Oh please, it's not my fault that you're clearly insane

**Raphael: **_blinks _Insane? You think I'd have to be insane to love you?

**Nightmare: **Well… yea…

**Raphael: **Oh my poor little German boy _jumps on Nightmare_

**Nightmare: **Oi!

**Yoshimitsu: **Ahem!

**Ivy: **He's a little busy, could you come back later?

**Yoshimitsu: **Never! _Attacks Ivy_

**Cervantes: **_looking back and forth between the two fights _I should probably help… _sits down and drinks some tea_

**Ivy: **Father!

**Yoshimitsu: **Never turn you're back on your enemy! _Stabs Ivy_

_Everyone freezes. Cervantes attacks first, howling with rage. Raphael and even Nightmare follow closely behind. Yoshimitsu, realising that staying was technically like committing suicide hopped on his sword and took off_

**Cervantes: **Get back ere ya cowardly bastard! I'll feckin' kill ye!

**Raphael: **Ivy!

**Nightmare: **_Stopping Cervantes from trying to chase the deranged… what ever the fuck Yoshimitsu is _Calm down, Ivy's taken worse than that. Usually from me.

**Raphael: **Ivy can you hear me

**Ivy: **I wish I couldn't

**Nightmare: **_laughs _told ya

**Cervantes: **_stops shouting profanities at the air _wait, did you say she's taken worse from you?

**Nightmare: **Uh… no…

**Cervantes: **… I'll fuckin' kill ye!

**Raphael: **_watching Cervantes chase Nightmare round the grounds _For a dead man he can run pretty fast

**Ivy: **Why have I got a feeling this is as normal as things will ever get

**Nightmare: **_to Raphael _Oi you prick, why the hell aren't you helping? I swear after I get away from corpse boy Imma fuckin-

_Will Nightmare ever accept Raphael's love?_

**Nightmare: **Some love, he's sitting there watching a corpse chase me!

_Will Cervantes ever get his revenge?_

**Cervantes: **I'll feckin kill ye!

**Nightmare: **Is that all you can bloody say?

_Are Ivy's hopes for a normal life over ambitious?_

**Ivy: **Most likely.

_Will Raphael finally be able to bag his German boy?_

**Raphael: **Of course I will!

**Nightmare: **No he bloody wont!

**Raphael: **Yes I bloody will!

**Nightmare: **Oh no you won't!

**Raphael: **Oh yes I will!

_Find out next time on __**Loves First Ponz!**_

**Nightmare: **Oh no you- wait are we finished? Aw… and I was starting to get into that pantomime shit.


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N – I kind of forgot this story existed. Don't plan on their being any plot or even remembering where the hell I was going with this. _

_Previously:-_

_**Nightmare: **__Gah! I think I liked you better as a mindless moron_

_**Raphael: **__-grinning- Aw, I knew ya liked me_

_**Ivy: **__They both have ridiculously short attention spans, and Nightmare did kiss Raphael._

_**Cervantes: **__Twas an odd sight that_

_**Ivy: **__Yes… odd… though quite interesting_

_**Cervantes: **__Quite. Maybe if he'd actually taken his helmet off first…_

_**Ivy: **__So, by your reckoning, all the insane weird shit that has been going on around here is simply because it is part of a storyline?_

_**Nightmare: **__Exactly._

_**Cervantes: **__Don't seem like much of a storyline to me._

_**Raphael: **__Maybe it's a parody._

_**Yoshimitsu: **__Namu namu NAMU!_

_**Raphael: **__Wait a minute… wasn't he here before?_

_**Cervantes: **__stops shouting profanities at the air- wait, did you say she's taken worse from you?_

_**Nightmare: **__Uh… no…_

_**Cervantes: **__… I'll fuckin' kill ye!_

**Inside the Mansion – Ivy's bedroom**

**Raphael: **Oh my poor Ivy, does it hurt?

**Ivy: **A strange samurai git stabbed me in the back, yes it bloody hurts

**Raphael: **Well, there's no need to be rude!

**Ivy: **Shouldn't you be out saving wonder boy?

**Raphael: **Wonder boy? Hmm… maybe I gave you too much morphine

**Ivy: **You haven't given me any morphine numbskull. And by wonder boy I mean German Boy, aka Nightmare aka Siegfried aka Scary Bastard

**Raphael: **Oh yea…

**Outside the Mansion**

**Cervantes: **Get back 'ere ye coward!

**Nightmare: **I'm not a coward; I just thought you could use the exercise.

**Cervantes: **How dare ye!

**Inside the Mansion**

**Nightmare: **Wait a minute…

**Cervantes: **_stops _Eh?

**Raphael: **… Welcome back?

…

**Nightmare: **What the fuck happened there?

**Raphael: **Language!

**Nightmare: **English!

**Ivy: **Disclaimer!

…

**Ivy: **What? Did you expect me to ignore that blatantly stolen material?

**Cervantes: **Ye are my daughter aren't ye?

**Ivy: **Oh shut up

**Raphael: **Does anyone actually no what's going on?

_They all stare at each other_

**Ivy: **Honestly, I don't really care anymore.

**Raphael: **How can you say that?

**Nightmare: **I'm with S&M girl over there. Just go with the flow and fuck it.

**Raphael: **No problem!

_Raphael lunches himself at Nightmare_

**Nightmare: **I immediately regret everything I just said.

**Cervantes: **I would help ye… but no

**Nightmare: **I thought dead people were supposed to have a sense of humour.

**Cervantes: **We do. It's wonderfully morbid.

**Ivy: **I never would have noticed.

_Nightmare finally pushed Raphael off him_

**Nightmare: **Well as fun as this has been, I'm leaving

**Raphael: **Noooo!

**Cervantes: **Ta ta

**Ivy: **Finally.

**Raphael: **How can you all be so cold hearted? You wish the love of my life to leave? How can I ever live without him?!

**Ivy: **hmmm… that's a point

**Cervantes: **What?

**Ivy: **If we let him leave, ponz boy will mope about, crying and moaning and neither of us will ever have any peace. And I mean never.

**Cervantes: **I see your point.

_Nightmare is already half way across the grounds, Raphael clinging onto his legs and rubbing snot over his armour as he cries like a little girl._

**Nightmare: **Let go of me!

**Raphael: **Never!

**Nightmare: **Oh for fuck sake.

**Cervantes: **Oi German boy, where the fuck do you think you're goin'?

**Nightmare: **What did you just call me?

**Ivy: **All this crazy shit started when you turned up, and I'm guessing it's going to keep happening after you leave. Therefore you are the reason none of us are going to get any peace for a very, very long time. So you can either stay and sort this mess out, or you can leave and I'll hunt you to the very ends of the earth.

**Nightmare: **_nodding _I fail to see why that should bother me

**Ivy: **Because I'll drive Raph insane and send him after you

**Nightmare: **I see…

**Raphael: **So you'll stay?

**Nightmare: **… I hate you all _walks back to the house_

**Raphael: **YAY!

**Cervantes: **This better be a good idea, or I swear to ye, daughter or not, I will make ye suffer.

**Ivy: **Yes, you've told me that before. And yes, it will work. Trust me.

**Cervantes: **I've heard that before

**Ivy: **Shut up.

_They both watch as Raphael runs round Nightmare like a hyperactive, and probably horny, puppy_

**Cervantes: **That is just… is that a lizard with a sword?

_Why is Nightmare the centre of these mad times?_

**Nightmare: **Because I'm Bat… because I'm awesome

**Cervantes: **I heard that

_How did Cervantes forget about his grudge against Nightmare so quickly_

**Cervantes: **My what?

**Nightmare: **Nothing

_What is Ivy's plan?_

**Ivy: **Nothing that concerns you

_And… is that really a lizard with a sword?_

**Cervantes: **I know! That's what I thought

**Raphael: **A what with a what?

**Nightmare: **Ah, fresh meat

**Ivy: **Lizards with swords… damn you Nightmare

**Nightmare: **Ain't my fault everyone wants a piece of this

**Raphael: **Can I have a piece?

**Nightmare: **… No

**Raphael: **But-

**Nightmare: **Just no

**Ivy: **Please, end it now. They'll never stop

_Find out next time on __**Loves First Ponz!**_


End file.
